Sneek peek into personnel file

The biggest job we have is to teach a newly hired employee how to fail intelligently. We have to train him to experiment over and over and to keep on trying and failing until he learns what will work.-Charles F Kettering

The reason why personnel files are confidential. A peek at whats written in there...

• Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

• IQ tends to be same numerical value as room temperature.

• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

• Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

• He's so dense, light bends around him.

• Wheel is turning, but hamster appears dead.

• Recommend company sponsor her in first available intelligence gene-splice study.

• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

• Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

• It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

• If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

• If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.

• One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

• Bright as Alaska in December.

• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

• This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

• This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

• I would not allow this employee to breed.

Recently, I was asked if I was going to fire an employee who made a mistake that cost the company $600,000. No, I replied, I just spent $600,000 training him. Why would I want somebody to hire his experience?”-Thomas J Watson